feelin all chewed up!

Mar 23, 2001
I think that a I write disproportionately more when I'm upset. I resisted the urge to write about this. I thought that it would go away if I ignored it. Like so many things. Right.

Ok, here goes. The summer of 2000 I dated around, met a lot of people, had a lot of fun, work was good, and all my ducks were in a row. I was happy being single, happy in myself, and generally hopeful about the future. Smoothe sailing. I met a girl who rocked my world. I learned to love again.

Side note: When other people write about love it makes me want to wretch because we use the word like it means the same to everyone. It doesn't. I know that. What I mean is that I learned to TRUST.... and opened up all the tender vulnerable parts. We had emotional intimacy. OK, you get the idea.

So I settled down with her and things were good for a long time. Then things got bad. Then things got good again. And up and down it went, for a period of 5 months. About a month before we broke up she began "disengaging". I only know this in retrospect. I wasn't prepared when she dropped the axe. I was a REAL MESS. I felt like something the cat drug in. I felt all chewed up.

I talked to a school counselor about it. It really helped. I'm doing much better than I was. But I sure miss it. I miss what we had. I miss how we cared for each other. It feels really good to know that someone cares about you that much. I've got friends now. And they care about me. But it's just not the same.

Is it a character flaw to need other people? I don't think so. I prided myself on my independence before. I'm not so passionate about that anymore. I was taught the value of continuity, and structure.. order.. where I thrived on chaos before.

We argued very well. Constructively, you know. She was intelligent. But she attacked me. and that's not cool. Verbally or psychologically: it's bad shit. I know she didn't mean to. But that's how the boys before me taught her. "attack or be attacked" - Stupid boys. But I could never stay mad at her for very long. I still can't.

I care about her.. and I hope she still cares about me. We're in the aftermath now. The nukes were launched, and all casualties accounted for. The psychological fallout is raining down like a New York snowstorm. I can't expect anything from her now. I think it would be easier to hate her or resent her or be bitter about the thing. Hypothetically. But I don't have it in me... I have no ill feelings towards her. I genuinely wish her well. The pain I feel is from the emptiness left in her wake.

I grew up more in the past 5 months, then I have in the previous 22 years.

I realized that I don't handle loss very well. And that I should have lots of people around me that really care about me that aren't going to go away. And that's not weakness either. Oh no. It's self understanding.

I think that there are two kinds of pain. Meaningless pain and growing pain. We suffer meaningless pain for no good reason. Growing pain, we suffer to come out from the other side tempered and stronger than before. That's what this is. growing pain. I am so convinced.

There were times in my life when I was in a similar position. The forests of the world periodically burn down (naturally), only for new life to rise from the ashes. My shit just burned down.

And I'm waiting for the page to turn...