Karma Sutra.

Sep 01, 2001
Natasha recently told me that she made out with a guy while I was up in New York. She did this before we were "technically exclusive". We were already pretty intense by then. On my previous visit to NY I made out with a delightful gal before becoming "technically exclusive" with the girl I was with at the time.

It stirred up a lot of anger in me that I didn't know was there. I saw "Scott" tonight. My adrenal gland dumped it's load into my bloodstream. I walked up to him ready to tear his eyeballs out. I introduced myself and told him that I didn't appreciate him making out with my girlfriend. He said "you would do the same thing if a hot 17yo girl who had a boyfriend asked to come over and get naked". And no I wouldn't. I told him that I wouldn't. I told him that "there were plenty of single girls out there, and you don't have to go making out with ones that already have boyfriends". I had "respect, honor.. dignity", SOMETHING! I wanted to look him in the eyes but his gaze shifted left and right as he squirmed in front of me. He did look me in the eyes though when I shook his hand agreeing to "no more problems?".

The critical information that I _learned_ from this conversation was that his take on how it went down was that Natasha PM'd him asking to come over and get naked. Natasha's story is that she expressed her lonelyness and it was _he_ that suggested coming over, with the alcohol and nakedness (in that order) -just sortof happening- afterwards, and that it was -sortof mutual- about who initiated the "coming over" idea. So now I've got a decision about who to believe. This spineless fuck who has a clear and concise story, or my sweet girlfriend who "doesnt remember exactly" how it went down. And does it fucking matter? It's just another fuzzy splinter of distrust. I want to accept her story carte blanch, but my better judgement dictates otherwise.

I'm mad at myself that I didn't make her feel special enough. I'm mad that she didn't think that I really liked her. I'm upset that she "wouldn't put it past me" to mess around while up in New York. Before I left for NY she said, "you better not go kissin strange girls when you're up there". And I said that I wouldn't. And I said the same thing to her and she said that she wouldn't. Whoa, while typing this I realize that it WAS explicitly exclusive. Well what the fuck.

Ok, so there's another lie. She lied to him about me being non-committal. I _had_ committed, at least so far as to not mess around with anybody else. As did she. Well fuck.

I believe in Karma - that what comes around goes around. We're rewarded for good deeds, and punished for bad deeds, all right here on Earth. Good meaning obeying the ethical codes that we place on ourselves, and bad meaning when we disobey them. Our conscience determines black from white.

And what a lucky guy Scott is if his conscience doesn't chew his insides all to shit for the damage that he has perpetuated.

I feel like I had all this coming to me though. I feel like something the cat drug in. I deserve to feel this way because I made Jennifer feel like something the cat drug in about ten months ago. It came back swiftly and in disturbingly exact measure. This reinforces my faith in Karma/divine justice. (incidentally, she didn't forgive me)

So we figured out, dear reader, just now, you and me, that she bold-faced cheated. Now what? A lot of you are probably thinking, "dump the dumb bitch". If you're male (thus obsessed with justice), you might be thinking, "so go get frisky with some other girl". Those are both good answers. And what a PUSSY I am for not choosing one of them. What's this Jesus-like "turning the other cheek" bullshit. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better. Should I opt for going "non-exclusive"? There are certainly enough cute girls around who'd love to get their paws on yours truly.

Trust fucking eats my lunch. I have a hard time trusting myself too. It took much willpower to NOT chase all those girls. I was in "single-mode" and very happy with it. It would have been SO easy (and fun). Gah! I told myself, "i want to do this _right_, i want to keep this _pure_, i don't want to have to lie or hide anything from her". And what a big fucking idiot I was!

Ok, ok, that was then, and this is now. Things have changed. We have grown a lot tighter since then, and I believe her when she looks in my eyes and tells me that it won't happen again. I feel a lot for this girl. A scary lot. She fits me much better (overall) than any girl I have ever dated. We click physically, musically. We both love photography. We compliment each other intellectually- my creativity is most analytical, hers is more aesthetic. It's a left-brain right-brain kindof thing. I'm more dominant, she's more submissive- we don't clash power-wise. I get along splendidly with her mother (who is a superbeing in her own right.). Everything just fits so fuckin' good. I couldn't easily throw that away. And I don't want to.

I feel like a sucker. I feel stupid, and I HATE feeling stupid. I want my self respect back god dammit, and I want to trust again!