Littered Mindscape.

Sep 03, 2001
Tim and Karen flew in from NY today. I took Karen around while Tim slept for a few hours. The slides of Natasha came out really well. Such a sexy mamacita. Around 10pm I started really crashing so I pumped myself full of caffeine at Ruta Maya. I was good to go, and am still flying high. I miss Natasha like _crazy_.

She has made me a surprise gift. I'm practically peeing my pants in anticipation! I love surprises. All her friends at school are jealous apparently. I wonder what it issss. :>

I'm working on shaking my addiction to the internet. I resolved to not let myself become addicted to anything bad, and I feel that I am now. Chat rooms were the first to go. They are generally so degenerate and disrespectful, and so incredibly inhuman. They suck up time and give no sense of real community, friendship, or companionship. "Suck" was a good choice of words, too.

I went through and deleted all of the lame-o sexual weirdos from my instant messager programs. Then I went through and deleted the people that I didn't know and had no intention of meeting. I have discovered that for all the positive social aspects of internet culture, there are also very destructive and dehumanizing aspects as well. Before accepting a technology into their society, the Amish consider if it will have an overall (and longterm) positive or negative affect on their quality of life as a whole. They use cell phones because it encourages closer family connections. That's sortof like the process that I'm going through now. Keeping the good and boiling off the bad.

The personals are particularly addictive. I've met a lot of cool people re: the personals, and for them I am incredibly grateful. I also met a bunch while in "vampire cock" mode. Those are the people that I just deleted, and often regret ever knowing. The personals make it so that the "red light district" is just a few keystrokes away. I'm gonna kick it though. If there is _one_ thing I have, it's willpower.

I am an attention whore. I am glad to have discovered that I can get enough satisfaction from friendships, acquaintences, and companions without actually sticking my dick in them. I have been building better relationships in the last few months, and have been feeling less nasty about the people I talk to on here.

In "As Good As It Gets" starring Jack Nicholson there is a line that goes, "you make me want to be a better man". When I was in single-mode I was damn good at seduction and conquest. I strove to be the most attractive bachelor on the planet. Turning that off was hard to do, but I did it. Deciding to be Natasha's boyfriend was more than just a resolution to date one and only one (incredibly great) girl. It was a resolution to become the best god damned boyfriend on the planet. The energy has been successfully rechanneled. And what a lucky girl.

It is what we humans do in the absence of reward and punishment which seperates us from the animals. Ethics, morals, codes of honor, standards, our conscience. Lacking an activity that converts my raw creative energy into cold hard cash (aka, "job"), I have let loose the lion on my own damn self. Watch me become a better man. Just watch me.

Tonight I took Karen and Tim to see Littermeet. They're awesome. The singer is a female version of Kurt Cobain. Everybody in the band is super cool. Anyhow, there was a guy in the audience dancing like a lunatic. What he was doing looked like a cross between ska-mosh-thrashing and punk-rock-breakdancing. Very wild! At first I thought, "whoa, that guy is nuts". And then I saw how beautiful it was. I love to witness people expressing themselves freely (and outragously) without regard to what anybody else thinks. Beautiful, fucking beautiful.

Julie surprised me by showing up at Emos tonight. She brought along a nice guy named Nick too. I bummed a ciggie from him. Agression is such an obnoxiously toxic personality trait to me, especially for a guy to have. (girls can sometimes get away with it because they're nice to look at) I like guys without "teeth", without that sharp agressive edge. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Nick was one of those good kinda guys.

At the mall today I picked up a deck of square playing cards. It goes along with my whole "fuck rectangles" mantra. Squares are beautiful, rectangles are ugly. It's hip to be square. no, really. Here is concrete proof. Mmmm. Medium format photography.

Tomorrow I get my "surprise" from Natasha as well as her sweet lovin' arms wrapped around me. I can hardly wait.

Woowoo!