some mind over matter shiznits
Jan 03, 2002
My father raised me to believe that my body would do anything that my
mind told it to. I believed him.I grew up believing that I had limitless human potential. No obstacle could help but succumb to my sheer force of will. I laid challenges in my path and mastered them one by one. Computer games were one of the first challenges that I picked. Later, my fancy turned to girls, then basketball, marksmanship, meditation, programming, massage, writing, painting, and web design. The latest is photography.
It bothers me to suck at pursuits that I admire. I want to be good at everything.
I don't pretend to be good at what I'm not, and I'm the first to admit when I suck. I think that's an important attitude to have in life, especially for an artist. The willingness to admit that my work is shit is my single strongest motivating force. I think that it's important to believe in god for the same reason. It's healthy to have a force around to be humbled to. It keeps things in check.
I've never ever been defeated. My definition of success is what does the changing. School is a perfect example. I had trouble with a couple of classes a few years ago. Instead of conceding, "oh, I can't do advanced calculus", I realized that advanced calculus wasn't for me. I let it go. Then I was happy again. Living in denial of reality would have been the bigger defeat.
Breakups were made impossibly painful by this mindset. So much emotional power and control over me resting in the reckless hands of a careless girl rocked my world six ways to Sunday. Nothing I could do made a damn of difference. I hurt unstoppably.
Torment like that is the price to be paid for short-circuiting the fuse of normal human limitations.
I wouldn't recommend it.