Article RSS Feed

Crystal Ball Control

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:54:00 GMT

After three years of self-imposed romantic celibacy and reflection, it's come to my attention that the very skill that makes me so successful out in the world getting things done, is completely useless when it comes to matters of the heart.

In the brain... Becoming completely immersed in a project, considering every aspect of what is and what could be, exploring all the logistical and human aspects, contingency planning, nailing down critical details, being forceful when appropriate, and occasionally doing triage. Looking into the future and controlling everything. This stuff produces reliable, high-quality results. I've applied this brutal method over the years to break parts of myself so that I may grow stronger and more capable. I've honed them and honed them and grown to rely on them. This is my dominant mode. I made a list of all the qualities my ideal mate would have, then forgot about it. All of my satisfactions and successes, all the milestones of self-betterment, and the clarity of existential completeness I've found have led me down the path to not need, expect, or even think possible or advisable that the heart ought to be involved. Everything was tidy. Nothing was missing.

In the heart...
My dream girl fell from the sky.
Nothing is missing now.
A shift has happened.

Before my brain would hunt for tasty and tastier brain food so my core could feast on self-satisfaction. The hunger was often distracting, it's appetite insatiable, and with no end except unto itself. That's its nature.

The heart is quiet, the heart is still, the heart doesn't need to talk-talk-talk. If the brain is a locomotive fed by shoveled coal, blowing off steam and heat and marauding ahead, the heart is a little nuclear reactor perpetually feeding itself.

Now the amazing clockwork dynamo with it's ravenous appetite has been freed to do what it does best - take care of wicked brain business.

Now the heart is freed to do what it does best, tend to itself as a gardener tends a flower, and be dignified in that legitimacy. The heart is its own sunshine, its own water, and its own soil.

No trespassing!

<silly> Love is stupid, love is dumb, shut up brain, 'cuz here it comes! </silly>

Backache and Soulshine.

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 23:06:00 GMT

My buddy and I have been laying the plumbing for a video/photography company here in Troy. The partnership has had it's fair share of personality grindings, compromises, and periods of both explosive productivity and slack. The pressure is on, considering how key this is to our survival. (Survival meaning self-generated fortune, independant of "The Man". It's been an adventure. I think that it will be successful. Either way, the lifestyle resounds with my particular way of being, so even if it doesn't, it will be a righteous ride.

My body has taken to travelling again. I have found the way to make the time to visit values ones in NY and MA. I have broken out of the Troy bubble enough to love the mountains and windey roads. The wide open roads.

My lower back aches from studio construction, heavy lifting, and bending. My apetite has grown with my soreness, and I sleep soundly with the satisfaction that comes with physical accomplishment.

The scent of love and trust tickle my nostrils, but remain (still) our of reach. This blodhound knows that that it's there. The breeze speaks in fact and promise.

Straight Feedback.

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 23:04:00 GMT

I just re-read this old entry tonight and was stricken with nostalgia. I used to write with raw, bristling, honest passion. It was the one of the first times that Evan was thick in turmoil. It was confusing re-reading it. I wonder if I have lost some of that passion, or if the more even-keel of my modern self is simply a sign of maturity from the knocks of experience.

This lead me to re-read a bunch of my old writings on here. I noticed an unmistakable tone of low-key darkness. I consider myself pretty happy-go-lucky and optimistic and determined and non-wallowy and all that, so this caught me as a surprise. Why wasn't I perkier more often? Am I just one of the countless angsty internet blogheads wallowing in exhibitionist self-pity? (I don't think that I am one of these.) Why do I even do this? And yet, my fingers move.

So in the spirit of self-discovery through brutally honest disclosure, I dedicate the rest of this post to dedicated readers who started reading koax.org for this reason.

I moved out of my beautiful victorian apartment January first. It didn't really hit me that I was leaving it until I had finished cleaning, moved every last bit out, and had the keys in my hand to lock it up and slide the keys under the door for the very last time. It was like a near death experience of sorts. A parting. A goodbye. The memories of the past two years came rushing back in rapid succession. The memories were in the form of still-frame images and feelings. Each lingered for just a moment - just enough time for the complex details of each one to fill up my active consciousness, before the next one bumped it out of it's place and did the same. An obnoxiously impatient slide-show.

One of my last actions was to look into my own eyes in the mirror over the mantle. I realized that I hadn't given myself a good soul-searching stare in a while. It was a little uncomfortable. My face reflexively made the movements like it was looking at another person. It's amazing how automatic it has become. I was struck by both the unfamiliarity I was with my own face and the absurdity of my face moving in ways that it would move with a stranger.. feeling them out, genuine curiousity mixed with the instinct to make them feel accepted and comfortable. The face looking back was _my_ face. Too weird, too weird.

Standing there, I did a little emotional inventory of myself. This intrigue with darkness - I wonder if others are the same way. I wonder if others find wisdom in other ways. I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied without living with perpetual dissatisfaction with what is known - without a distrust of things that are accepted. Insistent curiosity is a curse? Am I sowing my oats? Is this some programmed growth mechanism that hasn't yet ebbed? Will it ever ebb? I crave simplicity and comfort, but the only simplicity and comfort I seem to be reliably capable of supplying for myself is the comfort in the self-supplying of unpredictability .. novelty .. and chaos. I wonder if I'll ever be capable of anything else. I wonder how much of this is me, and how much of it is my "path". If fate is real, then I wonder how much of this has been in store for me from the beginning of time. I've been happy in order before. I wonder if a wave of order will sweep me on into the distance. I wonder if I'll have a mate, and if so, what she'll be like. Will she share a similar masochistic curiosity? Will she have a similar darkness inside her? Or will it be more of a complementary-yet-respectfully-understanding type thing?

Re-reading that entry, I was embarassed by the words, just as I'm sure I'll be embarassed by these, looking back at them in 4 years from now.

Writing this was good. I'm glad that I did this. And I realize that it was rather tortured and dark. And I also realize that I found satisfaction in the soul-scraping involved. I do wonder though, whether or not there's another way... I

I wonder whether there's a _better_ way. I wonder how other people get here.

hrmph.

New Year Cometh.

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 23:03:00 GMT

remember being lonely
like a needle in a snow bank
stuck

I remember working long and hard
I remember playing
rough

I remember babies and puppy dogs
I remember doors closing and people dying
Glad dad wasn't one

I remember trips never taken
I remember friends at the ends of strings
I remember all kinds of things
I don't remember
enough

I remember that they didn't happen
fuck

I remember puppy dogs and toothless baby smiles

I remember self induced solitude
convinced that it was virtuous
I remember realizing that it was delusion

I remember what is important to me
..and I must continue to

I must
I must
I must

Omniupdate.

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 23:02:00 GMT

I never did end up getting together with the crush in the previous journal entry. Lots has happened since that time though. I met a girl who I had a hopeful, but ultimately ill-fated romance of a few months with. It was very good while it lasted, and I am grateful and humbled by the lessons learned. I was introduced to the concepts of Evolutionary Psychology, the virtues of "Jam Band" music, and it served to further clarify which factors "work for me" in a romantic relationship, and which don't. I learned things about myself too - and the nature oflove, and how I conduct myself romantically. I learned a lot, is a surprisingly short amount of time. For this, I am grateful.

I was also laid off from the job where I overachieved and overproduced - where I poured my soul into, in fact - in a tragically comic series of managerial blunders. I am once again free to pick up the pieces, and given again the responsibility to re-center and reform myself into something greater. I am 80% of the way there already, after only two months. I revamped my resume, taken to teaching myself C# (one of the hottest modern programming languages), and re-prioritized time for the people most important to me. I will be visiting many of them this holliday season.

The importance of, "having something to look forward to", and "it is not worth working if you're not working _towards_ something", are two lessons that I have been reminding myself of daily.

Also worth noting, it that I have become a c-span junkie.

Along with a buddy of mine, we have taken on a project to breathe new life into the raw industrial space of an old garment factory into art studios. This is part of a grand revitilization project for the city of Troy. There is a tremendous amount of planning involved. My main responsibility so far has been designing the floor plan of the space. It's very exciting. Hallways, lighting, studio dimensions, blueprints, feng shui, and fancy visual design elements. It's been gobbling up much of my time. I am in hog heaven. We will chronicle the progress as we go, and hopefully put together a short documentary of the project once it's completed. I will also be acquiring a large photography studio, in which I will be setting up shop in my own beloved hometown.

I am again in love with the universe.

chapter.

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 23:01:00 GMT

Another page has been turned, and another chapter has opened. The days of summer are still lingering beyond my expectations. Each day that it's beautiful and sunny out seems like denial of the coming Autumn. People seem to sense this, and the draught of romantic potential that soaks the summer has begun to simmer and pop like wet wood in a campfire. Everyone wants to be kept warm through the coming winter.

I met a girl who excites me in the most rare and promissing way. She's got all of those Evan-admirable qualities that send shockwaves up the Rickter Scale like a strongman at one of those whack-o-meter games at a carnival.

Beauty - classic facial structure, brilliant sparkley eyes, healthy - perfectly coherent proportions, soft seductive skin, lucious feminine hair
Temprament - moderate, balanced lifestyle - a mixture of heartful compassion and a mischievous sassy streak that cute through the muddy fog of typical expressivity
Personality - a low-key, feminine version of an Evan-style nexus. A catalyst. A hypnotic, alert, unmistakable presence. She is instantly recognized as the brilliant creature that she is. Her friends are golden, and her expression is powerful and genuine.
Strength - She understands the importance of honesty and forthright communication, and has a consistently proven candor.

The chemistry between us is undeniable and electric. Animal magnetism tempered with unbridled fascination and great personal respect. While some might chalk this up to the newness of a "crush", it honestly seems greater than that. I would describe it more like jigsaw pieces that found each other to be neighbors. Like a coffee drink that it wouldn't occur to you to order, but after taking a sip on a friend's recommendation, discovering a new timelessly delicious favorite.

...but wouldn't you know it, she's taken. Gah! So I find myself with beautifully elevated standards, a necessity to express great restraint, and a compass that's directing me in no direction but one - to find out what's down this one fascinating road...

..stay tuned!

grit.

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 22:59:00 GMT

I couldn't sleep last night. I laid awake in bed - my mind swimming with discontentment. I longed for Austin. I longed for the tide that swept me up and tossed me along like a rag doll. The richness of experience there. How effortlessly it is to BE there. Like the air has vitamins in it. Nutrients. Sustenance.

For weeks I opened the Metroland (Albany's analog to the Chronicle), postponing disbelief that this area is dead to live music. Last week I didn't open it. Resigned, I didn't. This week I did. To see that ten days ago I had missed Dale Watson perform in Troy. The city where I grew up. Troy. And Dale being the condensed essense of Austin. Dale, the swaggardly, Merle Haggardly, shot-in-the-arm infusion of Austin. The vitamin missing from my bloodstream.

There are good people here, like there are good people in Austin. Like there are good people everywhere, I am certain. The effort to draw air into my lungs, is what I question. With admitted contempt. Need it be this effortful?

Faith is a nut-scraping gut-dragging thing to have sometimes. The undercurrent of universal human nature shines though though. Shines through always. Between the universal suffering, the universal disappointment, the universal bliss that puffs us up as full as we've ever felt, the universal anger, the universal loneliness, the universal distraction, the universal confusion, the universal pomp and confidence. We're all the same underneath. This levels the game, geographically. It doesn't matter too much which city I'm in. Some just require more digging. I've got my shovel.

On a lighter note, I played the most righteous game of pool tonight. I ran into my buddy Brian at bombers. He struck up a game of pool with me. The game quickly became a mess - with balls locked up with each other and with the rails. Brian and I used to shoot back in the day before I ever left New York. Brian shot with finesse, and I shot dirty, fucking him with defense at every chance. Like two WWI soldiers digging into each other in a wet trench. Tooth and nail. The balls fell one by one, until finally it came down to one of his and one of mine. Mine was locked in a death embrace with the 8-ball deep within the left corner pocket. I cut it softly and at the only possible angle to squeak it off the side of the pocket, past the 8, and in. After that, the 8 was a dead duck.

Some situations require more of that fighting spirit than others. Albany and the pool game are much the same. I need to remember to stay in it, and keep digging - never stop fightin'.

Also, I love Long Island Iced Teas.

Allyson Kalea Boggess.

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 22:59:00 GMT

Before I owned a car, before Austin, before Evan was Evan, I have been talking to Allyson Kalea Boggess. For seven years we followed the course of each other's lives through email and reading each other's websites. She lived in Rochester, I lived in Albany. She moved away to college, and I moved to Austin. I had girlfriends, she had boyfriends. We both had jobs, and we both lost jobs. She bought a car, and I realized that I wasn't a republican. We grew up. Somewhere, after all of that, we ended up living in the same state again. Saturday, we finally met.

She drove in from Rochester on a well-timed whim and rang my doorbell. We went out for some coffee and talked. Seven years is a whole lot of imaginary jigsaw pieces to glue together about someone. We were awkward and adjusted our postures while sitting on the couch at the cafe. I caught myself smiling uncontrollably. Later on in the day we began to adjust to each other's presense and the conversation blossomed.

I cooked her dinner, I gave her a primer lesson in photography, we took some pictures of each other, and she departed.

Seven years of fascination turned enchantment over the course of one a single afternoon. Saturday was a good day.

Pickem-Stickem.

Tue, 30 Dec 2003 22:58:00 GMT

It's been a few months since my last break-up. The relationship disintegrated very quickly after it had begun. I questioned what it was that sent it into a death spiral. If those factors could be identified, then perhaps a similar mistake could be avoided in the future. The time has allowed some perspective to develop.

I believe that there are many worthwhile relationships that are out there to be had that do not fall neatly into the "girlfriend/boyfriend", "friend", or "lover" category. Every person is unique, and every two-person chemical combination is even more so. There exist varying levels and flavors of compatibility. It seems a shame to evict fundamentally good people from your life because they don't fit your image of an idealized friend or (mercy me!) "soulmate". Function and dysfunction is what any relationship ought to be judged on.

I also believe that actively seeking love is folly. I don't do it. I place myself in the position to meet new people, but I withhold judgement and expectations. Everybody has something to offer. I believe that. Every person - each unique, discrete packet of humanity is wrapped in a differently shaped (or colored) package, expresses themselves differently, embodies a different temprament, and holds an almost limitless matrix of attitudes. Just like with Cracker Jacks after a little digging and lip smacking - every box contains a prize.

Except for the most insecure / compulsively codependant daters and maters, people want to associate with others who are more or less complete on their own. They want to associate with people with something to offer THEM. They want to associate with people who enable them to bring out the best in themselves. They want to associate with people that help them move in a direction that they themselves believe that they want to go.

By my own personal standard, I feel that I do a pretty good job of being that person. Interpersonally I am loyal, generous, emotionally supportive, understanding, forgiving, patient, and encouraging of growth.

When I met her I thought that I had a fairly accurate understanding of chemistry and compatibility. All my well-honed instincts screamed "proceed". No red flag could be seen from horizon to horizon. It turns out that I was wrong, wrong, very dead wrong. In retrospect I can clearly see how completely wrong we were for each other. I don't like being wrong, especially about matters of peoplekind.

And here, my dear readers, are the meat-n-potatoes of Evan's mischievous heart. Firstly, I was too uncharacteristically enthusiastic about committing. I didn't know many people in town at that time, and she was beautiful and intelligent and quirky and warm - she fit the profile of someone who I ought to have be bonkers about. I was excited about the potential to have a thick deep relationship, and that enthusiasm may have served to shoe-horn her into a realm that was both unsustainable and dysfunctional. Next, as compromising needed to be done, I didn't consider the thing being conceded of much value at all, so I compromised readily and without resistance. These accumulated, but still, no red flags sprung up in fluffy bunny's little wonderland of love (which fairly accurately describes the state of my mind for those two months).

To quote "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran, "passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction"

So in an effort to conduct my life with grace, I have redoubled my efforts to not be too hasty with relationship promotions. If things are to grow, they will grow over time, and the best laid plans of mice and sappy-ass men will hold little sway in the matter. I now remind myself to critically ask a few questions. Is there parity in the relationship? Is this person facilitating me becoming a better "me"? Have I been neglecting my friends? Does this person support me emotionally? Do we make a good "team"? I intend on using the answers to these questions to help determine the level of depth and intensity.

I know that when love comes to town -I'm gonna jump that train- (err!) I mean, I know that when my heart moves - it moves in a large way. All this high-minded cautionary thinking will be drowned by my gushing love fountain. (eww.) So I ask you this, dear reader. Please. If you notice me all suited up in big red heart-emblazoned swim trunks, rearin' to jump down the waterslide of love, drop me a line and remind me to re-read this entry. Consider yourself my personal "floaties". Ok kids, the metaphors are getting weird, that must mean it's time to stop writing.

- Evan

Homecoming.

Sun, 30 Nov 2003 22:52:00 GMT

In the middle of July my father had a heart attack. I grabbed a few shirts and pants, my trusty laptop and my camera and set off driving from Austin TX to Albany NY. By the end of the first day I had made it to Memphis TN. At the end of the second day I had reached Albany. I drove because I didn't have the time to wait for a sane price on a plane ticket (2-weeks usually). My father came home from the hospital (thank goodness).

I had lived in Austin TX for the past four glorious years of my life. I completely love Austin. I had planned on only staying in NY a few weeks to see my father through his immediate health problems. The first day there I did some modeling for fast ca$h, and landed a promotional job giving away lighters to smokers at bars. 0 to surviving in 1 day. Vrooom! Vrooom! I quickly made friends, went on dates, and dusted off some old haunts that had been hibernating in my hometown memories. I asked around for good jobs, and soon I landed a job doing quality assurance for one of the profitable dot coms in the "Capital District". (Albany / Troy NY)

I have neglected writing or updating this site for a long time. This is my attempt to make everything right and fresh again. I will touch on all the significant developments that have a clear ending.

Kiera
I met Kiera on Friendster and had a whirlwind romance. My heart moved more strongly than it had in a very long time. We did cute little domestic things, rocked the bedsheets, ate fancy food together, and dreamed of future plans. The bliss degenerated about a month and a half after going steady. I brought out a monster in her - and I was all too willing to compromise. I accepted what was dealt, and I was amazingly content until the very end. I told myself that I was "riding out a storm", but that storm never subsided. My emotional state was wrecked for a good month afterwards. I kept making friends and working the job and I was able to grow through it. I learned of passion and reason, a truer understanding of strength, and how dangerous clever girls can be to love. The end.

The Fuze Box
The Fuze Box is Albany's answer to Austin's Elysium. Every Saturday night they have an 80's night that makes my life here livable. I get there at 11:30 and dance heavily until 3 or 4, when I am a heaving exhausted dance-beast drenched in sweat and hopped up on endorphins. I met a rad girl there too. That story, however, does not yet have an ending.

Professor Javas
I was aghast to find a lack of free wireless internet access in Albany after tasting Austin's complete saturation. I did something that I rarely do. I walked outside, dropped to my knees and pleaded with god almighty to alleviate my plight. And so I pleaded, and so it was done. Professor Javas just got free wireless internet access. Hooray! Now I have no excuse to not neglect you, faithful website-y readers.

B.R. Finleys
When I first drove into town I poked my head in to an old middle-aged dive bar that my childhood buddy Jon used to frequent. To my great surprise there was an electronic music show being set up. I walked up to one of the guys with a stylish haircut setting up a keyboard and zoink! - wouldn't you know it, he was from Austin. The first person I talked to upon pulling into Troy NY was from Austin. It turns out that I had seen him perform with A Roman Scandal three years earlier at Ruta Maya coffee shop.

This homecoming has been incredibly spiritually rewarding in a very short time. Lessons have been being flinging left and right. Love, hard work, family responsibility, rediscovering an environment, making new friends, the stress-relief of being gainfully employed, and withdrawl from the narcotic cultural bliss of Austin that kept me hopped up on fresh and funky art, music, culture, and the best people I have ever known. Sigh. Can you tell I still miss it dearly. Austin, ascii hearts go out to you. <3 <3 <3